Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize