I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
