What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things