One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
