I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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