i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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