I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
