I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
