i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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