Swine flu. Run for my life!
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
