Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
