im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
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That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
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Life without a bra equals bliss.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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