I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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