im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
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