i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
