Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
