Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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