she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
