I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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