im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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