sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
