I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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