I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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