dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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