You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
