Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
