you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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