i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
