sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
