I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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