What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
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Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
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Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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