Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
