did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
