i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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