That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
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