In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I did not marry a roomba.
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