I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
