What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
