I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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