My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Dick very happy bro
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
