he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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