I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
this beer tastes like vomit already
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Randomize
