3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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