I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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