I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
