She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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