i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
