he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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