I murdered the dance floor call the cops
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
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