I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
