Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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