I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
