Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
operation have a gay friend backfired
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
