Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
