Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
