alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
