There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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